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Epidemiology

Anti-Maskers And The Company They Keep

Anti-maskers are flourishing in the era of COVID-19 but they are not new. During the 1918 influenza epidemic, the wearing of masks was mandated in many U.S. cities and “mask slackers” rebelled with one Portland, Oregon city council member arguing “Mask requirements are autocratic and unconstitutional; under no circumstances will I be muzzled like a hydrophobic dog.” The anti-maskers never went away during the past century, they’ve been quietly meeting in secret, just waiting for a new pandemic to happen so that they can once again profess the dangers of wearing masks. So, who are these anti-maskers? Most are members of a fraternity of organizations whose mission is ostensibly to protect personal liberties. Here are some of these other organizations in the fraternity of the anti-maskers:

The Anti-Hand Washing League. This secret society was created in 1848 to combat the hand washing hysteria being propagated by Dr. Ignaz Semmelweis, the physician on the lunatic fringe of medicine who had the audacity to recommend that doctors wash their hands after performing autopsies. The League’s mission is to globally eliminate hand washing in order to preserve the natural body oils of the hands. Says League president Max Saponify, “Requiring me to wash my hands after using the toilet is an infringement of my constitutional rights!

The Federation Dedicated to a Deodorant-Free World. This group has a goal of global elimination of antiperspirants and deodorants. “These chemicals are a well-known cause of armpit cancer” says Federation chairman Axilla LaPue. The Federation’s motto is that “A man should smell like a man… and a bear,… and a boar,… and a Tasmanian Devil”. Many members are also affiliated with the Anti-Bathing Guild whose motto is “Satan made soap”.

The Stogies in School Society. Formed after municipal laws against smoking in public were enacted in the early 2000’s, the Society’s mission is to preserve the rights of middle school students to smoke cigars in class. A side project of the Society is the “Spittoons in Church” project to promote legislation requiring all churches to provide spittoons in the pews for parishioners who chew tobacco during services.

The Pull My Finger Association. This organization is committed to the promotion of public flatus. The annual meeting is held in Boston every December and culminates with the group’s baked bean dinner followed by the flatus a cappella contest. Last year’s winner was the Central City Cheese Cutters with their rendition of Bob Dylan’s “Blowing in the Wind”. Afterward, the attendees went caroling in downtown Boston with their unique wordless Christmas carols.

The Anti-Vaxxers. This mainstream group opposes vaccines of all kinds. Said one anti-vaxxer: “They say vaccines prevented smallpox and polio. I don’t know anyone who ever had polio or smallpox. I think drug companies just made up those diseases so they could scare people into buying their vaccines.” Group members have determined that vaccines cause disease. “You get a flu shot and your bowels will be irregular for months… not for me!” wrote another member in a letter to the editor of the Cowtown Gazette. The group points to the Will Smith movie I Am Legend as evidence that vaccines turn normal people into flesh-eating zombies.

The Free the Snot Foundation. Dedicated to liberating oppressed nose mucus from confinement in Kleenex and handkerchiefs, the FSF is considered by some to be a terrorist group, spewing unsuspecting passersby with nasal secretions. Among the group’s more mainstream activities is the annual “Shoot the Snot” contest to see which contestant can propel sinus secretions the farthest. The current world record is held by Charlie “Booger” Snout with his 2015 performance of 15 feet, 3 inches. But a darker side of the Foundation is the rumored rite of passage for admittance that allegedly requires initiates to clandestinely launch snot over the rail of the Empire State Building creating the so-called “rhinitis rain” that the City of New York is widely known for.

The Anti-Trouser Alliance. This male-only organization seeks to overturn local ordinances requiring men to wear pants. “If God wanted us to wear them, we’d be born with pants” said the Alliance’s spokesman I. M. Stark. The Alliance’s annual project this year is the “Butts on Buses” initiative to promote the freedom to sit on public bus seats pants-free. The initiative was conceived after the enormous success of the “Butts on Banisters” project last year.

The MPH Liberation Club. This group hopes to eliminate speed limits in school zones. “Those roads were built with my tax dollars. If I want to drive 60 miles an hour in front of St. Mildred’s Elementary School, then it should be my right!” said member Phlatt N. Quash. The group also seeks to eliminate stop signs, traffic lights, and center lane lines on public roads.

The Sidewalk Turd Confederation. The Confederation’s mission is to eliminate public bathrooms. It is composed of individual groups including libertarians that want to eliminate highway rest areas in order to reduce government costs, the gas station worker’s union that objects to requiring employees to mop restroom floors, and environmentalists seeking to save trees by abolishing toilet paper. Said the Confederation’s Secretary General, P. N. Yard, “Squirrels do it, birds do it, dogs and cats do it. Don’t we have the same rights as the animals?”

The Yell “Fire” In Movie Theater Consortium. This organization’s goal is to preserve the First Amendment right to free speech. Members are encouraged to walk through maternity wards and randomly tell new parents that they have an ugly baby, to tell their mother-in-laws that her cooking is terrible, and to  shout “Shark!” at public beaches.

Anti-mask = Anti-business

The reality is that masks work. The COVID-19 virus is spread through the respiratory tract – when you cough, sneeze, or talk loudly, you exhale viruses. If you want to stop a respiratory virus from spreading, you have people wear masks to catch viruses contained in exhaled breath. Wearing masks is the fastest way to re-open stores, stadiums, bars, churches and restaurants. Anti-maskers have the confused notion that masks infringe on their human rights; the reality is that the more people wear masks, the sooner the economy recovers and jobs return. Don’t be a member of one of these fraternal organizations, wear a mask!

November 1, 2020

 

By James Allen, MD

I am a Professor of Internal Medicine at the Ohio State University and the Medical Director of Ohio State University East Hospital