The Lunatic Fringe

From time to time, I get letters in response to some of my posts. In the interest in providing an equal opportunity to present opposing viewpoints, I am posting a letter responding to my recent post entitled “Anti-Vaccine Laws Are Anti-Business Laws“.

Dear Dr. Allen,

I am writing to you about your recent blog post where you said that businesses ought to be allowed to mandate vaccines for their employees. I could not disagree more. The legislation proposed in Ohio House Bill 248, introduced by Representative Jennifer Gross, will prevent businesses, schools, and hospitals from mandating their employees and students get vaccines. This bill a great idea because everybody knows that vaccines make your body become magnetic but it needs to go further. I’m tired of so many government mandates that interfere with American freedoms. I believe that this bill needs to include amendments prohibiting other intrusive mandates.

The first mandate that needs to go is the requirement that restaurants mandate employees have to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Why should a business require its employees to wash their hands? I saw on Facebook that washing your hands causes hand cancer – these restaurants are simply mandating that their workers get hand cancer. Before you know it, everyone is going to be running around with their hands amputated off because of hand cancer. And then if no Americans have hands any more, then who is going to keep all of the illegal immigrants out? Unbelievable! I also read in People magazine that Ashton Kutcher doesn’t take baths or showers. The doctors say that washing your hands is good hygiene but who are you going to believe, Ashton Kutcher or a bunch of doctors? I’ll take Ashton any day.

And speaking of restaurants, I’m sick and tired of seeing signs on the doors that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service”. They have no right to mandate that I wear clothes into their building. I was born naked and if that is good enough for God, then it sure ought to be good enough for these restaurants! Besides, these signs are unconstitutional. It clearly says in the second amendment that Americans have the right to bare arms. So, if we have the right to bare arms, don’t we also have the right to bare feet?

Last month, I had to have my bunions removed and when they were taking me into the operating room, all of the doctors and nurses were wearing face masks. Face masks! Can you believe it? I asked them what in the world they were doing and they said that that face masks were mandatory when they do surgery. Everyone knows that face masks give off toxic chemical fumes and prevent oxygen from getting into your brain. I didn’t want some oxygen-starved surgeon who was high on face mask chemicals operating on me! I walked right out of that operating room and decided to leave my bunions right where they are.

And another thing, there are businesses out there that are mandating that employees have driver’s licenses. I tried to get a job as a school bus driver because I heard they make good money. A few years ago, some idiot judge took away my driver’s license just because I had 17 DUIs. Not only is the government mandating that I can’t drink a few Budweisers while I’m driving but the school system is mandating that I have to have a valid driver’s license to drive a bus. I took driver’s ed back in ’67 when I was in high school so why should I have to have a driver’s license? Ridiculous.

And what about mandatory in-service training? My brother-in-law is a pilot for Delta and he tells me that Delta is mandating that he have in-service training before he can fly one of their new jets. Can you believe it? Anyone who can fly a Cessna can fly a 737. These mandatory in-service trainings need to be against the law! And don’t even get me started about mandatory staff meetings! 

And talking about airplanes, I flew to Vegas last month and at the airport, they made me go through a TSA check. It was scandalous!. They said it was to check for weapons because the government mandates that people can’t take guns onto planes anymore. When did that happen? Ohio needs a law prohibiting TSA mandates about weapons checks. What are we going to do if the plane gets taken over by a bunch of space aliens that beam onboard? How are we supposed to defend ourselves then? If TSA takes the guns from law-abiding citizens, pretty soon the only ones on the planes who have guns will be the space aliens.

I’ve also heard that tickets are mandatory to get into Ohio State University football games. This is appalling! OSU is a state-supported university and I am an Ohio taxpayer so why should I have to buy a ticket to get in to see a football game? Whats next – are they also going to mandate that you have to pay for hotdogs and beer at the concession stand too?

For years, people have been telling me that I’m a left-wing extremist on the lunatic fringe. Well, even though Ohio Representative Jennifer Gross is a Republican, I’m still glad to have her join me in the lunatic fringe!


Mr. I.M. Stultus

August 26, 2021

By James Allen, MD

I am a Professor Emeritus of Internal Medicine at the Ohio State University and former Medical Director of Ohio State University East Hospital